My cervix is a lazy jerk

Well most of you know by now that my husband and I welcomed our sweet little boy to the world. Little man as he will most likely be referred to on here is absolutely perfect and we are so in love and so blessed that he is ours.
I knew I always wanted to be a mother but I couldn’t have ever imagined the completeness I would feel when I finally was. It is like my whole life has lead me to be his and to love him abundantly.

I have not yet decided how or if I will post pictures of him on here. Part of me very much wants to but the other part knows I cannot control this blog and who sees it quite the same as I can my other online networks. So I will make the decision with the hubs soon.
But here’s one of us where I look totally exhausted. This is when I finally got to hold him after almost 4hrs of surgery.

So I guess lets get to the story eh?
At 2am on Sunday I got up to go on one of my many many bath room trips and on the way I felt as if I had peed myself. I thought to myself about how unfair it was that I had now apparently lost bladder control and I was still gonna be pregnant for another week

But it wasn’t pee and it kept coming and I realized my water was breaking!! But I wasn’t 100% sure so I planned to get on google (I’m not the only one) and read before I woke Hubby up….but his bat like hearing alerted him that something was up.
And then it was on from that moment. I finished packing called the dr and was told to head for the hospital. I didn’t have contractions yet so I showered before we headed there.

I was still refusing to get excited at this point it seemed to good to be true that I was going into labor a day after my due date while my dad was still here AND on Mother’s Day! My dr had told me two days earlier I was probably gonna need to be induced next weekend and I just couldn’t believe it was happening.

But it was! They verified pretty quickly my water had broken and they decided to start me on pictocin because I wasn’t dilating much.
But not long after that I started to dilate pretty quickly, my contractions came closer and closer and became more and more painful. I got my epidural around 4cm and continued to dilate and move right along. However I was bleeding pretty badly and they weren’t sure why.

It was determined I had a fragile cervix and it was very very agitated. I made it to 9 1/2cm and then things started to go wrong. I had been in labor about 19hrs at this point and I was tired and hungry and starting to fear the c section I had so dreaded might become and option.

They checked me again at about 9 and my cervix had started to swell and regress. It was time to face the fact I would now be having a c section and the first surgery of my life. I cried and freaked out and thankfully my husband and my wonderful nurse helped calm me down and accept the situation.
I was angry and scared and annoyed at myself for feeling those things. My baby needed me to do this and here I was worrying about me. It was time to suck it up because there was no other option.

They prepped me and took me to the OR where they got everything all set up. Then they brought Tony in, and things got started…..and 20 minutes later they pulled my son from me. The pressure of him leaving my body caused the strongest wave of emotions I have ever felt wash over me. He was here, we had done it our son was finally here. I couldn’t believe it I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t wait for them to stitch me up and let me hold him.

Sadly that last one was gonna be awhile. I watched them clean him and weigh him and Tony went and looked at our sweet baby. I couldn’t quite see him but I as trying to be patient (if you know me you know I sucked at this)
Then I began to notice I was still cut open and they seemed to still be doing quite a lot. So I asked what was going on and it turns out a part of my uterus was not contracting normally and they couldn’t put me back together.
That was the beginning of the longest three and a half hours of my life. Some of it I remember and it sucked. I felt horrible pressure and couldn’t breath, my throat was closing, I threw up in reaction to the plethora of medicine I was being given and I went in and out of consciousness. I saw my husband holding my son and felt someone rubbing my head. Finally my dr realized she didn’t know how to fix this alone and she got help and I am so grateful she did.

I remember getting back to my room at about 1:30am in some of the worst pain I could imagine. But they gave me my son, and as cheesy as it sounds it was so worth it. Even the next night and day of blinding pain but if I could go back in time knowing what I know I would do it without a doubt exactly the same again because the end result is so amazingly sweet and cuddly!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you to the friends and family who have made us feel loved and cared for. We are all doing really well and loving getting to know each-other.
I will hopefully be able to update again soon.

Love
Tannith

My sober-versary & learning to live again

Well today is my one year anniversary of getting sober I have spent the last two weeks writing this entry in my head. I have tried to figure out what I would want to say, how I would feel and what today would mean to me.

No matter how many drafts I have written none of them convey how truly happy and proud I am. I felt silly for being proud of myself at first, until I sat down and thought of how much my life has changed.

For those of you who don’t know what happened that lead to my eventual need to quit drinking I will share a brief summary. My drinking started out normally enough and quickly spiraled out of control. To the point that I was waking up and making a drink and spending the day drinking, and hiding it from Tony. My depression and anxiety were reaching all time levels and then I fell off a counter while drinking and hurt my head very badly. I then spent the next couple months mediated for my depression/anxiety and for my head injury. And I was medicating myself on top of all of that with copious amount of alcohol it is still hard for me to share all the details as I am still dealing with the shame that I feel.
But it all came to a head a year ago today and I thankfully checked myself into treatment for several days.

It was the first time I accepted and said that I did in fact have a problem. A big problem that was destroying the person I was and damaging my marriage. And you know what it was amazing how quickly I was ready to accept and get help once I admitted I needed it. But man oh man was it hard to admit it. I think I knew for months that I had a problem but as long as I didn’t admit it it wasn’t real and I wasn’t broken.

But it was real and there was a part of me that was broken and that would never be like everyone else who drank. I would always struggle to not over indulge, would never be someone who could just have one, and would always have a toxic relationship with alcohol. And that was really hard to accept. I spent the first month of my sobriety thinking about everything I had lost and had given up. I wallowed for awhile, and felt bad for myself for what I would no longer get to do.

But very quickly I started to see the things I was going to gain were going to outweigh the things I was giving up. My health improved, I was happier, my anxiety and depression began to be something I could manage without medication, I was actively involved in my life again, my marriage was thriving, and I just felt like me again.

It wasn’t always easy and I won’t say there haven’t been times where I would give my right arm for a martini but I am so glad I have made it and that my recovery is so far successful. I am so blessed that my husband gave up drinking to support and get healthy with me. He took on my demons as if they were his own and he showed me exactly what love is all about. He showed me he is willing to sacrifice anything for me and for our marriage. I have never known a love like that and I am so glad I didn’t lose that love because of this sickness.

My father and my mum have been so good at encouraging me and cheering me on. My dad saw first hand how badly I was doing, how sick I had become and I know he was scared for me, I am so glad I have had him cheering me on and also for not letting me forget how far I have come.

A year ago today I was a mess, I was someone I was not proud of and I was someone who desperately needed help. Thank God I got that help.
Today I am days away from welcoming our son into the world, I am sober and healthy, and I am someone who I like again. Someone I am very proud of.

To those of you who have stood by my side, seen me at my worst and supported me this last year…Thank You!! Thank you so so much. You have no idea what you have helped me do.

So today I celebrate the last year in which I learned how to live again.

Tannith

My fridge remodel-model

So the hubs and I moved into our lovely new house back in February and spent the first two weeks living out of a cooler. It actually was surprisingly not hard, but we were both longing for a refrigerator.
So we found one for a great deal from a very nice college student who not only gave it to us at a great price ($200) but he brought it to us. Which if you know us you know we drive a VW Bug so that last part was crucial

So the fridge arrived and we waited the standard 24hrs and plugged it in….it was perfect. It worked beautifully and was really a great find. Except for the slightly yellow handles. Which I jokingly said we should just paint. And the hubs actually agreed!
So we went out bought some fabulous green paint, and I taped the fridge off with painters tape and hand painted the handles.

Looks pretty spiffy right? WRONG!
Lets take a closer look shall we?

The painters tape pulled large chunks of the paint off when removed. To say I was super pissed off is an understatement.

So then I had to spend days scraping paint off of the handles. Thankfully the hubs figured out how to remove the handles which made it easier to scrap and sand.

The only positive was we decided we weren’t in love with that color.
We decided to use the spray paint by rusto-leum we had previously used on the chairs for our patio. Same color and everything.
This time I just laid plastic out and sprayed them outside.

I let then dry for about 4 hours instead of the recommended one hour. Then we peeled off our painters tape and the Hubs reattached them to the fridge.
And they looked amazing!

It’s been a little over a week and we are still super pleased with the color choice and the new look in the kitchen.

Tannith

The final count down

A month from today we are expecting to welcome our son into the world. After nearly nine months of waiting I am ready to be done with this pregnancy. I am ready to have him here and to start getting to know this wonderful little person.
Not that I don’t already feel like I sort of know him, I have a strong feeling he is silly and a bit of a rascal.
I know he we look at me with that same silly quizzical look that his father does and I hope he is half as cute as his brother and sister were when they were little.
We finally put the nursery together and painted the walls white till I decide what I want to do for the room. It makes my heart so happy to walk past the now open door and see his things set up and feel like soon he will be here.
I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy as much as I expected I would, mostly I think that has to do with moving and dealing with some personal things.
This also was a bit of a shock to some family I think, but I feel amazingly blessed by the support we have been given.

My in-laws are coming for a visit next week and I am so excited to spend some time with them and to include them in some of the baby prep. My father comes the beginning of May and my Mum comes after he does.
I just am so grateful our families are coming to help us and love on us and little man when he comes.
And of course I am so beyond thankful for my best friend Courtney. I’m pretty sure I would be curled up in a ball if I hadn’t had her thru all of this. She is my support and a constant source of laughter. She also lets me vent all my crazy without judgement.

But the true blessing and hero in all of this has been my husband. Our baby wouldn’t have been possible without him and I wouldn’t have made it without him. He puts up with the fact that I am an absolutely wretched person sometimes. I yell and I cry and I freak out over nothing and he handles it with some much patience and kindness. He rubs my back and my feet, he cooks dinner to help me, he cleans and he works his butt off everyday on top of that to provide for us.
I am constantly proven wrong when I think I can’t love him anymore than I do, because everyday I find I love him more and more. Everyday I am amazed that God gave me such an amazing partner to share my life with.
So next month we go from being just Tony and Tannith to being mum and dad, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Sorry for the cheesy post
Tannith

Cheesy stuffed shells

Well we are finally back in a fairly normal routine after the move. My house is unpacked, the painting and cleaning is getting done and soon we will have a beautiful nursery put together.
And meatless Monday is finally back into our weekly recipe menus. This is one of Tony’s favorites and I have to admit I’ve come to love it and not mind the assembly.
I will post a link to the original recipe at the end in case you don’t like my changes.

Cheesy Stuffed Shells
12-16 jumbo shells (I do a few extra because they break sometimes)

4 oz mini shells (1/3 of a 12oz box)

1 1/2 cups gruyere cheddar mix (if you have a trader joes they sell a block of this)

3/4 a cup half and half or light cream

Dash of white pepper

1 jar of your favorite pasta sauce

1 cup fresh basil

2 cloves minced garlic

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

So I start by getting the pasta cooked, I cool the jumbo shells for 10-12 minutes then remove with a slotted spoon. Then in the same water I toss the mini shells in and cook 12-14 minutes. Then drain and set aside.

Mince your garlic, chop up your basil, and grate a cup of cheese.

Add the garlic, basil, cheese and cream to a large pan, simmer down until its a nice creamy sauce. Add the white pepper and the shells and stir it all together.

Coat the bottom of the pan with some of the pasta sauce. Then stuffed your shells with the cheese mixture. And arrange the shells in the pan.

Then you will cover the shells with sauce, the other half of the basil, and 1/2 cup of cheese place in the oven and bake for 30 minutes.

Bake for 30 minutes at 350 and then enjoy with a salad and some warm bread!

Hope you guys enjoy it as much as we do, and here is the original recipe

Toodles,
Tannith

The Top Ten of road trips

Well since we are currently driving to Colorado for the baby shower I figured I would do a post about road trips, since if you know us we take a lot of them!

So here are the top ten reasons that we enjoy road trips!

10. You can blame any and all farts on a)the dog b)the cows or c)a skunk. Now if you have ever been pregnant you will know what an awesome thing this is.

9. Beef jerky is totally considered a healthy and protein rich snack.

8. You get to hear a lot of random songs you forgot you loved.

7. Books on tape! They are absolutely necessary and we love them. We have listened to a lot of books together that otherwise we both would never have read.

6. The fact that it is totally acceptable to have a shake or a hamburger for breakfast.

5. I finally have the time to catch up on my important blog reading and Perezhilton.com

4. I get to spend hours talking to my husband. It is one of my favorite things in the world to just talk to him for hours about our lives and upcoming things.

3.

This guy being adorable for hundreds of miles!

2. Calorie counting is impossible so therefor they don’t exist during this time period. Much like during birthday week!

1. And my favorite part of road trips…getting to the place you are going. I am very excited to spend the weekend with my family and friends and celebrate our little bean.

Hope you all have a great Friday and I will post some photos of the baby shower next week. Until then I leave you with this…..

Tannith

California is for……….

So we are moving to Texas! I couldn’t be happier and I have been looking forward to writing a post about how much we hated California, but that seems mean. So I am gonna list some of this things I disliked and won’t be missing. I will also at the end try and mention a few things that wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t lived here.

Okay so here goes……

Reasons I won’t miss California

1. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is too expensive here. We planned for all the obvious things that we knew would be more expensive. But even with the planning we were not prepared for the cost spike at all. And so we spent all our money just getting by.

2. The food here really isn’t that amazing. For years I heard about the amazing restaurants and blah blah blah. We went to some of these culinary masters and they were eh! The best places are Fidel’s and
Lorna’s Italian kitchen and last but not least sushiya which has a ton of locations!
Sadly those restaurants are one of the only things I will miss.

3. The beaches here are a joke once you have lived in Florida. I’m sure these beaches are great if you are from here or have never seen the miles of sandy perfection that Florida has to offer. Also the water here is cold…like even when it’s 98 degrees outside your lips still turn blue cold.

4. It’s crowded I feel like a sardine in a tin can here. A miserably lonely sardine

5. Which brings me to…the people. No one wants to make a connection here. Unless you are from here and have spent your life here you will probably have trouble making friends. And if you don’t want to spend your time at a bar getting trashed well no one will bother inviting you out EVER!

6. The traffic, but everyone already knew that one.

7. How much you pay to live in such a small place. If you think New York is bad then California is a close second and probably gaining speed. Our house is cute but it is small and it is in a not so great area. So if you had dreams of having a house you could walk around without running into your housemates or the table then think again!!

8. The attitude here. I want to say that not everyone is an entitled snobby jerk here. There are some kind, nice genuine people here. But they are scattered few and far between the million ass hats that have taken up residence here. People are rude. I get elbowed in the store, bumped with shopping carts if someone would like me to move, I have people brush past me when the door is being held open for me and I have people who actual come up to me to get in my business and space. Ugh I need to stop here cause this is the one that sets me off!!

So yeah there are like 100 other reasons I won’t be sad to see this place in my rear view mirror. But I don’t need to be mean and petty. Because this place is home to tons of people who love it and I mean LOOOOOVE it
But there are four things that wouldn’t have happened had we not lived here and I will now share those because well they are way better than all the crap up there

1. I would not have faced and battled and won my fight against depression and anxiety.
2. I would not have quit drinking. I was able to quit drinking because I realized I used it to medicate the above issues. I have never been happier to have a toxic substance out of my home and body. And I could not have done it without my husband.
3. My marriage is STRONG! Like my marriage now makes my marriage before look like a pussy my husband fought my depression with me and by doing that showed me I am the luckiest woman alive and that I can never ever ever stop working and fighting for my marriage because well it is the most amazing thing in my life.
4. And last but not least if all of those things above had not happened I would not be expecting our beautiful baby in just a few months.

So yes I won’t miss Cali, but I am truly glad we came here. It has given me nothing physically that I wanted and it made me a little but poorer financially. But my life is richer for having been here. And I wouldn’t trade the last year of learning for any of the gorgeous sandy beaches in Florida.

Next time I write
I’ll be in Texas
Giddy up

Look how happy we thought we were gonna be ;p

Tortellini Primavera

Well I figured it had been awhile since I did any cooking on here. So I decided to show you one of our new favorite recipes that I have been using for our new instituted meatless Monday.

1 1/2 cups chicken broth (I use bouillon powder)
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1-2 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
6 cloves garlic, sliced
1/2 cup shredded asiago/parm/or whatever kind of cheese you just LOVE
1 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon, dill or chives or 1 teaspoon dried tarragon (I use dill and some chives)
Salt if you feel you need it but the broth usually does it for us
2-3 carrots cut into bite sized pieces
2 cups broccoli cut into bite sized pieces
2 cups snow peas cut into bite sized pieces
1 16-ounce package frozen/fresh cheese tortellini

I start by washing and cutting up my veggies

I tend to par boil the veggies and then set them aside

Start a pot of water boiling for you paste about now

Then I dice up some garlic for the sauce

As well as some chives

Sautée the garlic for a few minutes in olive oil. While that’s going on you re gonna mix your flour and chicken broth together, and pour it into you pan with the garlic. Bring it to a slight boil and cook until it becomes thick, I usually turn it down on low for a bit.

At this point you water should be boiling and you can toss your pasta into the water for 5-8 minutes

You should be stirring your sauce mixture till it is thick enough to stick to the back of the spoon.

Once it is thick and creamy looking add the cheese and dill and chives, mix thoroughly till the cheese is melted and incorporated. You paste should be done so strain it. Then you are gonna dump the veggies and tortellini in and mix it all up.

Then enjoy the finished product

This is the second time we have had this dish since starting this new meatless Monday. It goes over great.
I wish I could take credit for this recipe but I can’t so here is the original for everyone.

I will probably do our other favorite meatless Monday recipe next week for you guys.
Have a great night
Tannith

6 reasons being pregnant on NYE rocks

So most people who are pregnant on NYE seem less than pleased about it. I however am thrilled! There is a bounty of reasons why being knocked up on the biggest party night of the year is awesome.

So here goes

1. On previous New Years I spent an insane amount of time tarting myself up in some trendy uncomfortable get up but this year I get to wear this

Instead of this

And everyone will still tell me how adorable I look.

2. Tomorrow there will be no awful drunk pictures popping up on any social network. However there might be some pictures of me passed out next to the chip bowl from sheer exhaustion.

3. Which brings me to this gem. I can leave the party at any time I want!!! Also I do not have to make it to midnight because well I am growing a human being and that requires sleep, lots and lots of sleep.

4. I now get a front row seat to see how the shit show unfolds. I get to watch everyone slowly descend down the wasted rabbit hole. Which means some other idiot will be making an ass of themselves, which frankly is fine with me.

5. All those tasty amazing appetizers that I would previously avoid eating for fear of a)looking bloated b)slowing my buzz down, are now fair game!

6. Because in all seriousness there is no better way that I can think of to start the new year, than with my husband and our little peanut. I am beyond excited to be carrying this little bundle and I know that celebrating NYE with a baby in me will be a piece of cake compared to next year

Happy New Year’s Eve guys. Thank you for reading my blog and making me feel connected. Tony and I have had an amazing year together full of so many blessings, it hasn’t always been easy but every step we have taken have brought us to where to are now. I look forward to another year, and hopefully I will have even more to write about.

Love
Tannith

Moments of earth shattering tragedy

Today as well all know something truly awful has come to pass. Innocent children were murdered for no fathomable reason. I have been unable to to stop myself from watching it all unfold and from crying and yelling and wishing I knew how to help. I have also felt a huge wave wash over me, a wave that reminds me how truly lucky me and my family are. I have spent the last week or two complaining non stop about the health issues I have faced, the bills we need to pay, and the normal family fights that go on. Today I was reminded I am lucky. My child is safety growing inside of me and out there is a mother who has just lost everything. Every laugh, every snuggle every moment she dreamed she would see.
I know many of you want the battle over gun control to begin raging today, and if it means that much to you go for it. But remember a lot of people cannot fight for this because right now they cannot breath thru their tears or even see a tomorrow in which any of that matters.
My heart is broken and I just I can’t stop crying and mourning for these children I never knew and these mothers and fathers, grandparents, aunt, uncles and friends who are so shattered right now.
Please hold those you love tightly and never forget to be kind and compassionate.
I know I am so very grateful for my own healthy baby as well as my healthy and safe step children.
I will praying for peace for all those in pain from this tragedy.